


Toska

by truth_seeker_1789



Category: Supernatural
Genre: All Angels are Dreamwalkers, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angels, Angst, Angst and Feels, Don't Have To Know About Supernatural (TV), Endings Are Hard, Gadreel Thinks He Needs to Redeem Himself, Good Person Gadreel (Supernatural), Goodbyes, Goodbyes are hard, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, Redeemed Gadreel, Tags Are Hard, could be read as platonic, parting is such sweet sorrow, platonic or romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 17:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18833638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truth_seeker_1789/pseuds/truth_seeker_1789
Summary: The Angels have earned their redemption, though Gadreel still has his doubts.





	Toska

 

 

"Do you know how rare it is for me to receive a prayer?"  
  
  
You knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was just a dream, that the warm sunlight trailing through the window wasn't really there, that the light weight of the quilt draped over your legs was an illusion, that the vibrant scents of cinnamon and orange from the nearby mug were just a part of the hallucination. It was a room you had not seen since childhood, golden haze shrouding the scene in a whimsical wistfulness.  
  
  
But the voice was decidedly  _real_.  
  
  
"I miss you," you sighed, ignoring the rhetorical question he had spoken earlier, and you turned to face him, greedily drinking in every inch you could.  
  
  
Ancient eyes flickered your way, weighed down by thoughts and emotions you couldn't even hope to understand. "I know." He studied you a moment longer, then huffed, turning away again. "I miss you, as well. But it's not exactly safe for us right now, is it?"  
  
  
You winced at his tone, reluctant to recall the multitude of dangers lurking outside this fictitious oasis, the Chaos that was running rampant. You feigned nonchalance. "Not that it's really bothered us before."  
  
  
He made an expression, eyebrows ruffling in acknowledgement of your statement. There was a shrug, a frown. "Things are different now; you know this."  
  
  
"You've been given another chance, Gadreel. You could-"  
  
  
"I can't," he cut you off, eyes narrowed as his focus went from passively staring out the window to studying you critically. "You already know why I cannot."  
  
  
There was no deterring him, no changing his mind. He was one of the most stubborn Celestials you had ever encountered, perhaps second only to the Archangels themselves. With a frown, you folded your arms.  
  
  
"Then take me with you."  
  
  
It had been a split-second decision, but as he turned to you with incredulity, with doubt, with frustration, you felt your confidence only solidify, your own stubbornness rising in spite of his own.  
  
  
"I will not. I couldn't do that to you."  
  
  
The sadness in his tone took you by surprise, all traces of a fight fleeing you. Your confusion grew as he approached you, sighing heavily before he was kneeling beside you, eyes revealing everything and nothing all at once.  
  
  
"I can't take you with me, drag you with me through the rest of the universe." The familiar brush of fingers beneath your chin, the loving caress of a palm against your cheek, the anguish in his voice- All of it was so clear, so vibrant, so tragically  _there_  and  _real_ that you felt tears pricking your eyes. "No, none of that..."  
  
  
You allowed your frustration to slip into a huff, and you attempted a glare. "Why can't you?"  
  
  
His annoyance was clear again, writing itself in the furrow of his brow, in the tautness of his cheeks, melting away again as he accepted your determination. "Your family is here. I would never take you away from the ones that make you happy."  
  
  
"What the fuck do you think  _you_  are, dumbass?"  
  
  
Your words startled a laugh out of him, and you smiled, pushing to reinforce your sincerity.   
  
  
"You're just as much my family as the rest of them. But you're more than that to me. You're-"  
  
  
You cut yourself off, knowing that all the words in your vocabulary would fall short when trying to relay how deeply you cared for the Guardian, for the Angel of Redemption.  
  
  
But as he rested his forehead against your own, eyes sliding peacefully shut, you knew words didn't matter. He already knew; he had known, perhaps even before you had.  
  
  
"Please, Gadreel. Come home."  
  
  
Your desperation sent a shiver through his frame, figure retreating slightly as fresh longing settled around him, but that inherent regret still haunted his eyes.  
  
  
"I am not welcome among them. The Others-"  
  
  
You pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him. Your eyes narrowed, a tense moment of frustration passing between the pair of you before you lowered your hand, fatigue and empathy lacing your words. "They forgave you ages ago. When will you forgive yourself?"  
  
  
It was rhetorical- many of the thoughts you exchanged often were. But this query had his jaw clenching, eyes hardening. He was standing once more, stepping away from you, shoulders cast in grim rigidity.  
  
  
You knew there was no swaying him, not in this. Shifting to your feet, you deposited the blanket back on the sofa, steadily approaching him. "Will you ever come back?"  
  
  
The words were a whisper, so quiet at first that you weren't even sure they had truly passed your own lips. He hummed in reply however, a sound of uncertainty that did nothing to relieve your tensions.  
  
  
"I don't know. There is still much I must atone for."  
  
  
You found yourself leaning against him, hands wrapping around his arm in a feeble effort to keep him. "If you're so determined to go, why bother stopping to see me?"  
  
  
"I could not leave without saying goodbye."  
  
  
Panic grew at the calm admission, the acknowledgement that he had not changed his mind, that he still intended to leave. "Gadreel-"  
  
  
He tensed as you breathed his name, all of your longing and hope and desperation clinging heavily to those two syllables, to the feeble prayer that it was. Had you not been frantically trying to commit his features to memory, you would have missed furtive glance down to your hands, the hesitation as he once more focused on the scenery outside the window.  
  
  
"Please-"  
  
  
It came out in a choked cry, frantic as you stepped in front of him, trying to get his attention to turn back to you.  
  
  
His turmoil was written all throughout his features, and you held out faith that perhaps, just perhaps, you could still sway him. As you went to speak again, however, you found his hand once more cradling your cheek, moonstone irises tracing over your features with reverence.  
  
  
"Thank you, for your compassion, for your kindness, for your understanding. Your love is worth more than I deserve."  
  
  
"Stay,  _please_."  
  
  
He was closer, so close, the haze of your tears doing nothing to diminish his light, his beauty, the love in his smile.  
  
  
"I wish I could, but I cannot."  
  
  
He leaned forward, a gentle kiss placed against your temple, familiar warmth and fuzziness quickly creeping through your extremities. You tried desperately to fight it, fingers clawing uselessly into his jacket, hands moving in an effort to lock around him.   
  
  
But his Grace was heady, and you were slipping from his grasp, a set of cloudy eyes- so full of remorse, of admiration, of dispossession- your final sight before succumbing.  
  
  
 _"Farewell."_  
  
  
  


 

  
  
  
  
You woke to warm beer, creeping twilight, and a single andalusite feather in your hand.  
  
  
Your anguish remained unheard even as you screamed into the coming night.  
  
  
  
  
  


*

**Author's Note:**

> Toska - n. Russian - A state of great anguish, melancholy, sorrow, or longing beyond bearable bounds.
> 
> Random ficlet that I typed up during my lunch break today.
> 
> Honestly, I have no idea where this one came from. I adore Gadreel, but he's one of those characters I haven't thought about in a few months at least, so I'm kind of surprised I have something written for him already.
> 
> Don't plan on editing, as per usual. One day I'll learn, but it is not this day. ^_^;
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comments are love, comments are life.


End file.
